he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
