I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
