Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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