I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
