I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
