true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Green mimosas i think yes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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