I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
