So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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