he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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