I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
