please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
