So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
