you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
