What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Enjoy the penises
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
