That's intense
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
