I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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