I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
