I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
