Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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