Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
