You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
