You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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