Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Girls should come with a carfax report
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
