2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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