Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
