you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
