I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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