it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
