Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
