I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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