I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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