I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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