she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
