i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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