Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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