how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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