i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
