she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
