he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
