Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
