I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
