I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
