Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sobbing to NWA
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
