peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
