Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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