i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
