So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
