I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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