so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
