If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
