Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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