I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
