he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
