from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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