in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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