i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
