some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
