So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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