Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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