I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
